Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy came to our mission this week for Mission Tour. He and his wife spent a week or so working with President and Sister Jones and the missionaries to help us do better, be better, that kind of thing. We all met together (well, half the mission one day, and the other half the other day) to hear Elder and Sister Robbins speak. They talked about a lot of normal missionary-like things: obedience, study, sincerity, all that kind of thing. I was a bit preoccupied of mind, and I don't think I got everything out of it that I could have. Dang. Sister Robbins talked about how being a sincere missionary means that we are not casual about our dress, speech, behavior, scripture study, all of that. And then she dealt the fatal blow. She said that missionaries who are not casual are happy. And I started to sink.
Remember Peter walking on the water? It goes like this. Christ says he'll meet them on the other side of the lake, go on ahead with out him. He heads off to pray and to have some quiet time. Peter and the other Apostles and some disciples head off in the boat. The wind gets boisterous and they row and row and row. It's the fourth watch of the night (really, really early in the morning), which means they're POOPED. The night is almost over, but the storm is still a blowin'. Then they see someone/ something walking on the water toward them. NOBODY has ever seen anything like this before. They freak out a little, and cry out with fear. Christ, because He is who He is, calls to them to calm them down. He says, be not afraid, it is I. Peter says, if it be thou, bid me come. So Christ, being who He is, calls Peter to come. Peter gets out of the boat. (Interjection here: All of Peters whole long life has been spent in and about the water. His 30+ years of life experience tell him that getting out of a boat while it's on the water means that one will sink. Getting out of a boat during a storm is stupid, as one would likely drown. Everything Peter knows intellectually tells him that getting out of the boat is a bad idea, and still, Peter gets out of the boat.) And Peter walks to Him on the water. So Peter has enough faith in the Savior and His power to walk on water. And then he loses focus-- for just a little tiny second! Long enough to look around and see waves, long enough for his brain to kick in and say, "Peter, You've never done this before. No one has. This is impossible. And besides that, have you seen this storm? What the heck are you doing out of the boat!?" And Peter begins to sink.
2 Nephi 4 (don't remember which verse, but it's near the end of the chapter-- left hand page, near the end of the column...) Nephi says (I'm paraphrasing), I don't trust in the arm of flesh, because I know that cursed is he that trusts in the arm of flesh. So I trust in God and that works well for me. He's saying, if I let men (including me) establish my confidence, or if I put my confidence in their hands, I'm going to sink. Peter experiences that. He's doing fine while he lets the Savior define reality and puts his confidence in Him, but as soon as he relies on his own little mortal brain he starts to sink.
Back to me sinking. So I'm sitting there thinking: "Crap. I must be a crappy missionary. I must be a screw up somehow, because I'm sure as heck not happy. I've been depressed as the day is long for months and months! I must have been a crappy missionary forever!" And then 2 Nephi puts his two cents in and says, "Umm... Rebecca, 'member what I said about letting other people define your confidence and your strength?" and then the Savior adds this bit, through the power of the Holy Ghost, "Didn't I speak peace to your mind? I have told you through the power of my servants that I am pleased with your efforts. I have told you that you have been successful and that I am proud of you. She isn't talking about that kind of happiness. This isn't meant for you. Trust in Me, my arm is stretched out still, remember?"
So, remember Peter, the one with "little faith"? He says, Master, save me! And of course the Master does, because He really is who He says He is. And then Jesus Christ and Peter, the rock, walk together back to the boat. Christ didn't pick him up and throw him into the boat. He assisted Peter in the desire of Peter's heart and they walked together back to the boat.
Me sinking: I start to think to myself, "Hey! That's right! I have worked really hard! And I have tried to be good. And Nephi is right (see my surprised face?) I will be cursed if I put my trust, my confidence, in anyone other than my Master. He's the only one who can see the whole picture. So forget this whole "crappy missionary" thing. I'm doing just fine.
Moral of the story? Yup. It goes like this:
Awake, my soul! No longer adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the benemy of my soul.
Rejoice, O my aheart.... O Lord, I have atrusted in thee, and I will btrust in thee forever. I will not put my ctrust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his dtrust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
And So I'll try really hard to have real faith in that. I believe it 90%. But, like Peter, it's hard not to sink when everything I've ever known says it's a bad idea to be out of the boat on a day like this. And I'll try really hard to focus on the Savior, because He's always right, and He'll save me when I sink, and we can walk back to the boat together. It's safer that way anyway.
