The ride was an out and back, up and over the hill kind of ride. That meant I had to bike the summit twice. I made the first summit, and as I was screaming down the other side of the hill I thought, "I'm probably going to die coming back up this." But it was just SO MUCH FUN! I decided to risk the grueling return trip. I was right, though, the return was a beast. On the way up the second time my quads began to seize, and I couldn't gulp air fast enough. In a few places I had to stop and get off my bike because I was just too tired to pedal. Walking or standing felt too close to quitting, so I jogged. Then I walked because I couldn't jog anymore, then back on the bike. Over and over. As I got closer to the summit I started to see blue sky above the trees, then the tops of hills. I just kept saying, "One more mile, one more mile, one more mile." I might have said "One more mile" for three or four miles, but it kept me on my bike, and kept me moving up that blasted hill. At some point I swore and yelled at the road, "I'm not quitting! I will die trying, so help me!"
Pretty dramatic, right? But I was feeling pretty desperate.
I've been feeling very stuck lately. I want to do something! But I've felt an intuitive, "Hold up. Not yet. Wait." that's dang near driving me nuts! It's why I decided to ride Palomares Road in the first place. It was beyond my capacity-- too far, too steep. But I needed to accomplish something impossible. Yesterday, as I yelled at the road and commanded my legs to hold up a little longer, something snapped. Like I had physically ridden out of the hesitation threads, and I suddenly realized that I was literally willing to die trying. Trying what? Um... I don't know, actually. That's the craziest part! I've a handful of new little goal ideas burbling up to the surface which are accompanied by a fierce and inexplicable sense of protection. These new little goal-lings are straight up beyond my capacity. They're impossible. I don't have the skill or the resources to accomplish them. And yet I feel like swearing and yelling, "I'm not quitting! I will die trying, so help me!"
I think I might have just gone mad. Or maybe I've just gone sane.
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| It's not very picturesque, but I think it's the most beautiful summit in the whole world, especially on second sight. |
