I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago that yielded a one-liner that's been buzzing in my head since: Own it, he said.
Own it.
Own what? Unfortunately, the impetus and meaning of that phrase is hard to succinctly explain. In fact, I've spent quite a lot of time unpacking that tiny sentence, lining its components across the table for analysis. I've picked up each new bit in turn, rolling it back and forth in my hands like a shell from the beach, or a rock from the desert. I want to know its proper name, its origin, its natural history. As I've studied my new "Own it" shells and rocks I find myself slapping my hand to my forehead saying, "No way. It was here all along. How on earth did I miss this?"
Lemme back up. We're all taught a lot of untrue things, right? Our sources of misinformation often come from people we assume are better informed than we are: parents, school teachers, clergy. It's inevitable. We're also taught a lot of untrue things via misinterpreted experiences. Earth Life Hazards. Unavoidable. Well, two such threads of misinformation I've long been trying to untangle are Womanhood and Self Worth. In fact, I kind of hate those words. They make me think of Hallmark made-for-TV movies or the Oprah Winfrey Network. Typing them just now I rolled my eyes and said, "Oh, geez. Eew." See? Misinformation. Anyway. They've been on my mind. A lot. (Insert a year's worth of blog posts here...)
I've mentioned that growing up in my house was kind of the shits. (There were some good parts to the old days, but there were not good old days.) Being female was a particular liability, and as a small female I was an especially easy target for a self-righteous, mysogynist, asshole of a parent. I grew up believing that because of my chromosomal arrangement I was a waste of resources, and permissible only if I could make myself really useful. Further, my conservative religious community taught me, perhaps unintentionally, perhaps purposefully, that, as a woman, there were only two worthwhile things I could do with my life: get married and raise children. Tough thing for a scientist born into a woman's body to hear. This auger cultured some pretty nasty germs: First, I actually believed I was ugly and useless. The only thing worse than being a woman (i.e.: useless) was being an ugly one (ugly and useless). Second, I believed my individual worth rested wholly on my ability to marry and raise viable, talented offspring (which, if I'm honest with myself, I've never really wanted to do-- at least not the way I'd seen it done). Third, whether I wanted to marry or not, the scenario was implausible because, remember? ugly and useless. So by being a woman I was obliged to a life I could never actually attain (and didn't actually want). Complicated, right? Oh, but wait, there's more! I also believed it was my fault. Always. Whatever it is, it's my fault. A friendship breaks down? My fault. Gender gap? My fault. You're unhappy? My fault. Greenhouse gas emissions are up, governments are collapsing, refugees are being turned away? Oh, ya. Totally my fault. And not just my fault, but I also made all of it even worse somehow by being such a girl about it (whatever it was, and whatever that means).
Right. So. I've been working this big ol' tangle of lies for a while, and felt like I'd made some notable progress. And then all the kinds of shit hit the fan and I've just been like, "Oh, geez...ouch...I mean... I don't understand what's going on..." My entire self structure has been ripped to the ground. I have been wholly unmade. And I mean un-made. It has sucked. Totally sucked. In fact, this process of unmaking almost killed me. For real. Like, me and Suicide were holding hands and having long conversations while flipping through methodology catalogs. It has been really awful. But then something amazing happened: my hippy friend suggested a hippy remedy that actually worked and I got to try thinking about things with a whole, healthy brain instead of a broken, depressed one. (WAHOO!!) As I've been thinking with this new brain I can see all sorts of patterns I didn't see before. And now I can see that what I learned as a young person is just plain nonsense. Those failed relationships/friendships/projects/whatever weren't all my fault! In fact, some of those failures had nothing to do with me, or my gender, or my usefulness, and everything to do with somebody else's craziness/weakness/whateverness. Dude, so not my problem.
And this is the part where all of you with a healthy sense of self are like, "Um. Ya. Duh." Well, friends, this is friggin' news to me. I mean, intellectually I get it, but this is the first time in my whole life I've actually been able to feel that it's not all my fault, and not only am I not ugly and useless, I'm kind of amazing.
So, anyway, this sweet friend of mine who said "Own it" was saying, more or less, "You're a woman worth looking at, and a woman worth being with." And it totally floored me. I literally had to sit down and catch my breath. People have said things like that before, but I'd never heard it before. I don't know why. Maybe because I had been hearing with a broken brain? Maybe because I was hearing with a broken heart? Regardless of what prevented it before, I heard it this time. This time it actually took root. This time embryonic leaves broke topsoil. And this time the gray lady wasn't there to steal the gold, The Hulk wasn't there to smash things to bits, and the tut-tut lady had nothing to say! (Aw, ya!!)
Like Paul Simon says, "Nothing is different, but everything's changed." I'm still super single. I'm still just going to school, and working, and photographing seaweed. But everything has changed. It's like that dream I had... all the orange has been let out, and this woman is free!
OK. OK. So getting back to "Own it." What have I got to own? (Ooooh! This part is fun!)
Check it:
1. I'm wicked smart. During the ugliest of ugly depressive episodes, and during my first quarter back at school in more than a decade, I pulled off straight A's. And all my professors liked me. Lots. Like, letter of recommendation lots.
2. I'm strong. I nailed a V4 bouldering problem in my first year of climbing (even with 3 months off from a broken leg)-- and it was a solid 4, no soft soap here! This thing was all sorts of crimpy/slopery/balancy goodness. And I nailed it. (Oh my goodness, you should see these guns!)
3. I work hard. I have asthma which makes running hard, but I want to run. So I found a coach, borrowed a heart monitor, and am learning to run. After a month's worth of work I can jog an interval-free four miles. They're slow miles, but I can do it without stopping! (Bring it.)
4. I have a beautiful body. I mean that in the mechanical, practical way, but I also mean that in the physically attractive way. It is imperfect, and it is beautiful. (For real, though, you should see these guns.)
5. I have a good heart. Even though my spiritual self is still a mess of rubble, there are a few things I still believe to be absolutely true, and one of those is that "Charity never faileth." Love, the big kind, the open, honest, true kind, really is the only thing that's not going to fail under the varied stresses of this whole earth life experience thing. I believe in loving with a whole heart.
Like another friend said, "Rebecca 2.0?" Um, yes. Exactly. She's been in beta a long time, but I believe she's finally suitable for release. She's for sure going to need bug fixes, but no big:
This edition is effing amazing.
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| Run! Climb! Balance on a wooden spool thingy! |
