I'm NOT dead, depressed, despondent, or any other "d" words with negative conotations. Just to clarify.
So this week the big news is that I prayed a whole prayer in Spanish after Sunday School, and it didn't sound stupid. It sounded like a normal prayer. Maybe I CAN speak Spanish! I know it's only been 3 weeks, but the progress feels very slow.
I wish I knew how to say what's been happening. Things change so fast, and at the same time they change so, so slowly. Again with the Mission Time Warp Phenomenon. (and I can't speak English or spell anymore, so don't make fun)
I want to do stuff that I want to do, but at the same time I feel and understand that this season of my life isn't really mine... but it kind of is... you see? I flip-flop between wanting to give every moment of every day to the Lord, and wanting to cling to all of it just for me. Full time Missions are sometimes referred to in the Church as "tithing" of time. Most missionaries are about 20 years old, so a "donation" of 2 years is about right. But 2 years all together is very different than 30 minutes here, 2 days there. Very different. I've only given 6 months (almost) and I haven't even given all of that. I've kept some for me. I've thought about home, family, gardening, books. Not that any of those things are bad, they just subtract from the full donation. I don't know how to explain what I mean. It's like what King Mosiah says, that when we do something good, Heavenly Father immediately blesses us so we're indebted to Him again already. We can't ever say, I'm done being good. I've paid back Heavenly Father for all the gifts He's given me. You know what I mean? The point is that there is flux and change and growth and pain and sometimes joy out here. And when this is all said and done I'll be more like my Father than when I started. And as long as there is net growth I'm going to just be ok with that. I'm not the best missionary out here. There are many who work harder, teach better, and understand more than I do. Yup. Lots of 'em. And I'm ok with that. Today.
The sun's out. We're going to go outside and play.
