Hmm... how to begin.
Ok. It's likely that you all know this story. It's one I mentioned last week in Matt 4:1-11. Christ is baptized in Matt 3. He has the gift of the Holy Ghost (remember the dove?) and in preparation of beginning his ministry he heads to the mountain (a classic scriptural symbol of a high and holy place, ie: the temple) to fast and pray, to commune with his Father. So after this 40 day fast he's tired, hungry, and probably has quite the "things to do" list. I mean, when I go to the temple to seek guidance I usually get it. And that usually means that I know what I am to do. So he's had this time of education and enlightenment, he's got his Father's input regarding his earthly ministry, and he's on his way to accomplish his Father's will (kind of like a mission call, no?).
Then who shows up? Yup. Satan. The Liar of all liars. And he says, make these stones bread. "But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." See that? The Savior answers temptation with scripture. He knows what's written-- He wrote it!-- and uses the written word to keep himself safe.
Satan says, Well, two can play this game. Fine. If you believe these scriptures are true, I'll use 'em against you, too. I'll go ahead and take something out of context and use it to encourage you to do something stupid. So Satan "saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone."
The Savior's response? "Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." So he answers the out of context stuff with a higher law. A higher truth.
And what does all this have to do with your friend, Sister Me? Well. This is what. Satan has been using the "it is written" trick on me most of my mission. He has been using stuff that is written in Preach My Gospel, in the Missionary White Handbook, in Zone Conference and District Meeting to say, "See, you're not doing all those things perfectly. You're a crappy missionary. You should give up." And I missed it! I didn't see the downgrading and degrading lies as carefully placed barbs on those fiery darts of his. I totally missed it!
Then one day, as I sat pondering (while coloring a pretty picture), I realized I felt really calm and peaceful. And I thought to myself, "How is it possible that I can feel so calm and peaceful while I'm sitting here coloring?" because all the carefully placed "it is written" lies I'd heard said that I was wasting time. Then I thought about what I knew about calm feelings. Some scriptures came to mind: Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperence..." and Moroni 10:5 "And by the power of the Holy Ghost, ye may know the truth of all things." All of a sudden I was filled with Great Big Peace; I heard in my head, "Yes, 'it is written', but don't forget, 'It is written again'." Months and months of fear, pain, anxiety and frustration about not being enough immediately fell away. I felt like Alma when he said, "And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my [perceived] sins no more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"
And then I started to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. I felt absolutely giddy with peace and joy. I won! I won! I had finally found Satan's trick. I had finally pulled that barbed fiery dart out of my heart and the healing peace of Truth flooded every cell. Christ said, "I am the Truth and the life." "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." Man, I have never felt more free in my whole life. Free, free, free. Because I know TRUTH! That truth is that GOD ONLY SPEAKS THROUGH LOVE!!
Love, love, love. Every hard thing God has ever been asked me to do has been accompanied with a feeling of hopefulness. All the stuff Satan was saying made me feel discouraged, fearful, and disappointed in myself. That's not the way God talks to His kids. He loves us. Bigger than we can even sort of understand. He speaks to us with "loving kindness, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned".
Now I'm ready to come home. Now I get it. I wasn't quite ripe. Now I'm ripe.
Guess what else. Ok, I'll just tell you.
When my service time has come to a close (transfer day) in each area I've served the unit leader (I've had 6) has said something along the lines of, "I hope you know how much good you have done here... I want you to know what an asset you've been to this ward/branch..." I even got a "You are the best missionary we've ever had here." And one branch president called my mission president to ask him to reconsider my transfer out of the area. Why do I tell you all this? Because the people around me (missionaries, members, leaders, mission presidents, investigators) have been telling me in exceptional terms that I am effective, valued, and amazing. I didn't believe them. I believed Satan's lies. I believed that I was ineffective, slow, and sub-standard. And I believed that because I was afraid of the truth. I was afraid to be amazing. Who am I to be the bestest Sister Missionary ever? Who am I to be a captain among God's forces? For I truly have been. He has used me to teach and train both Elders and Sisters in ways that were surprising and unexpected to me. So who am I?
Welp. I now know some truths with much more certainty: I am a daughter of the Most High God. I am a chosen spirit. I was valiant in the pre-existence. I have lived a life on earth such that I am a virtuous woman above the price of rubies. "I know who I am, I know God's Plan, I'll follow Him in faith."
I know the truth, and I am free!
